Tag: relationships

To my 30-year-old self

On By Kaye Ann C.In faith, Inspiration2 Comments
Photos by Jemel Ganal

I’m writing this days before our birthday weekend. I’ve actually tried to write this earlier, but something felt off. And the truth of the matter is, I think I was trying to write that letter too smug. We may have learned a lot in the past decade, but we’re still a work in progress. Some days, months or years may come better than others but we’ll still need to work on ourselves every day. Not necessarily to reach perfection, just to be a little bit better every day. Better on ourselves, other people, and the world. 

20s was a decade filled with memories for the ages. Exciting adventures at unfamiliar landscapes, heartbreaks, disappointments, achievements and new beginnings. You’ve shown up for yourself in ways that you never thought you needed to. You’ve grown to love yourself and actually like yourself, even if you do get snotty sometimes and may need some reassurance from time to time. You’ve accepted the freedom of being wrong and being wrong often (sometimes we still need to accept this more if we’re really being honest). You’ve started to have more faith and trust, even when times feel desolate and futile. You’ve allowed yourself to feel every crashing wave of emotion instead of holding your breath until it passes. And you’ve been humbled, and continue to be humbled, to know that you didn’t do any of this on your own. You’ve been gifted the strength to fight through circumstances, but nothing compares to the grace, love, joy, courage, wisdom, peace, and power that surrendering to Christ brings. He is your most trusted friend, heavenly father and faithful partner.

There’s so much to look forward to, even if they are unknown. Many more things to learn and unlearn. And even if sharing with your best friend, Tatay and Nanay, may not be physically possible, they’ll be here in mind, heart and sometimes with a little attitude to bring yours down back to Earth. It’s okay to miss them and wish they were here. That’s part of grieving and moving forward.

Lean into your discomfort. To access the deepest and undiscovered parts of you, you have to let yourself sink into the discomfort. Floating only keeps you on the surface, wandering and wondering – half in and half out. You and I know that staying on the superficial surface has never been our style. So sink. Forgotten shipwrecks remain dormant underneath the surface could still carry treasures. You found the one true refuge amidst a shipwreck, remember?

And one last thing before I leave, you’re going to hate this but I’m going to say it anyway, fall in love with someone else again. You know how to love unconditionally, that’s not what I’m saying. Fall in love again slowly, and let yourself be loved… I saw that eye roll. Do it for us and because we deserve to. 

Always,

K

P.S. Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

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From the one who got away

On By Kaye Ann C.In InspirationLeave a comment

You’ll see me live a joyful life without you. See me smile and hear me laugh. 

You’ll see the radiant woman that I’ve become at the most unexpected time. 

You’ll wonder why things didn’t work out. 

Was it really about you or was it because of me? 

Maybe it’s both? 

You’ll wish you could have treated me better yet continue with the same patterns. 

You’ll wish you could talk to me the way you used to. The way I understood you – accepted all of you.

You’ll wish you made different choices because you didn’t think that I’ll actually leave. 

What you didn’t realize is that committing to you was always a choice,

Not a necessity. 

Looking back now, would you rather have regrets or loss?

Would you rather have a home or a house? 

Would you rather fight than hear silence? 

Would you rather feel afraid or empty? 

Would you rather tell the ugly truth or transfixed in a beautiful lie?

Most of all, would you rather love than pretend? 

At the end of the day, you’ll see me as the one who got away. And sure, there might be moments when I would wonder what could have been… before it becomes a faded memory. Remembered, but not part of the reality. 

Always, 

K

P.S. “You can love someone and still choose to say goodbye to them. You can miss a person everyday and still be glad that they’re no longer in your life…

I think we do love a real disservice when we make it about control and power and changing people. That’s not what it is. You love people, you give them that for free. And you decide if that’s something that you want to have in your life. The alternative is to say, ‘Well, I’m going to change them and then I’ll have them in my life’. And that’s not love. That’s not what love is and that’s not what it does, and that’s not the power it has.” 

– Tara Westover

P.P.S. Because of some circumstances and choices, you may read this from the lens of “the one who got away” or “the one someone got away from”. Now, it doesn’t really matter which camp you’re in. What matters is you are continuing to live. God has a funny way of sorting things out. As my 23-year old self once said, “Forgive always, love and laugh endlessly and be bold with your endeavours.”

Re: Imperfections. That’s the good stuff.

On By Kaye Ann C.In InspirationLeave a comment

Earlier this year I wrote a letter To my future husband. I admit, it was romantic. The kind of stuff that reminds us of the possibility of love and genuine relationships in a world where partners are as “easy” to replace as a ratty old shoe. You thought I was going to say something about swiping left or right didn’t you? Nah. Dating apps have evolved to customized profiles and gamifying the experience so dating doesn’t seem as daunting or despondent. The thing is, the parts that make it challenging or hopeless are the parts that make it worth it. 

We remember the first date not because it was like a meet cute taken out of a rom-com movie. We remember the dribbles of sweat slowly streaming down the side of his face or the sauce at the corner of her lips while she ate a burger. We cherish the way we know how they like to take their coffee or knowing their go-to order at a fast food chain. We relish recognizing the nuances of their smiles like being privy to the world’s best kept secret – one just to be nice, another during awkward conversations and the real smile that tells us that you actually feel joyful. These are the things that I glazed over in that letter. But these are the things that (in my humble opinion) matter most.

To be seen. And loved. 

To be forgiven. And accepted. 

To unravel. And receive compassion.

Over the years I blogged about ‘my unorthodox philosophies on love’ or love in general. Correction, I blogged about intellectualizing and rationalizing love without allowing myself to fully feel the depth of it because I was afraid of what would happen when I inevitably love someone more than myself. Living in a self-assertive cultural zeitgeist, it feels countercultural doesn’t it? 

I don’t really know how to end this random blog post so I’ll just post this question – If our imperfections make us who we are, why do we look for the ‘one’ perfect person or idealize relationships when things aren’t easy?

Always,

K

P.S. I’m not going to quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It’s hard to resonate with until you truly feel His [God’s] love. Otherwise it may turn into an unachievable standard that we impose into fellow human beings. Who wants that? There’s really only one Being that could love us like that. And what a gracious love it is. 

Re: Plants are like people

On By Kaye Ann C.In faith, Inspiration1 Comment
  • PC: Kayla Song

I grew up with different kinds of plants in our family’s house, backyard and front yard. Some plants were flowers, others were edible and a few were decorative (for the lack of a better word). My mom enjoyed planting different kinds of fruits, vegetables and herbs, and she was really good at it. We used to spend a lot of time jarring tomatoes or freezing them at the end of the hot days of summer. Living on my own, I only just started to appreciate the joy I get watching my plants grow week after week. And yes, I do talk to them! A benefit COVID-19 brought us this year, I guess? 

Each plant species has its own optimal conditions to flourish. Some prefer shade, some like humid temperatures, while others enjoy consistent watering. Now, I have to admit that I’ve definitely killed a couple of succulents and one cactus because of overwatering. Thankfully, the internet has a plethora of gardening websites that continuously warns us from overwatering – the common plant executioner if you will. Another thing that overwatering seemed to attract are fungus flies/gnats. They thrive in consistently moistened soils and could breed hundreds, infecting sprouts and smaller plants. All of that reminds me of how similar plants are to people. This is not a new concept, and I’m sure someone else has written about this similarity more eloquently before. Although, the aspect that got my attention was how much our plants’ environment, our environment affects not just our growth but more importantly our roots. 

The integrity and strength of a virtuous wife transforms her husband into an honoured king. But the wife who disgraces her husband weakens the strength of his identity.

Proverbs 12:4 (Passions Translation)

After reading the book of Daniel, this proverb kept coming to mind. Daniel and his friends remained faithful to the God of their forefathers despite the long exile in Babylon. They didn’t succumb to the pressures of conforming to their oppressor’s beliefs and way of life. Steadfast and in joyful obedience. Life wasn’t picture perfect, being thrown in a lion’s den and in an earthly inferno could push someone over the edge, but they remained unshaken. Their friendship and faithfulness helped them remain true to their identity – their roots. The proverb specifically mentions a wife, but I imagine we can broaden this to the person or people we spend the most time with. After all, our environment doesn’t just consist of space but people too. 

Over the years I’ve had to re-evaluate friendships I was making versus those I’d like to sustain. Are we cultivating our internal gardens with friends that reflect/support our Christ centred values and welcoming dialogue from diverse perspectives? Or do we seek friendships for approval and validation? The proverb warns us to choose wisely. And truth be told, it’s not easy to make wise decisions when we are craving attention and acceptance. We want to fill the void – feel loved. But the choice does get easier when we allow our hearts to see that the only person that could ever fill that void already loves us unconditionally. God loves us in our worst with fungus gnats flying all around, and he continues to love us as we bloom into the unique flower he designed us to be.

Unlike plants we have the choice to create an environment to live in. We have the privilege to grow intentionally, not passively. We can intervene in the kind of fruits we produce. Question is – What are you rooted in? What are the fruits of your choices?

Always, 

K

P.S. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5 (NIV translation)