Dear Lexi

IMG_5387.jpgThis is my open letter to you on your first birthday.

I’m not sorry to tell you that I will not be the auntie that spoils silly. I will, however, teach you how to earn what you have and what it means to be happy even when you don’t have everything you want right now.

I won’t be the auntie who coddles you when you first fall off your bike either. I will, however, teach you how to get back up on that bike and ride it even if you’ve fallen many many times before.

I won’t let you get away when you get in trouble. I will, however, tell you that sometimes it’s okay to break the rules and live in the moment because we may not have another moment like this again.

I won’t tell you that you’re enough. I will, however, show you that you are more than enough and no one in the world can take that away from you.

I won’t be the one who tells you to dwell within your comfort zone. I will instead encourage you to see what the world has to offer and experience a rich and meaningful life.

I won’t turn you away when you get your heartbroken for the very first time. I will instead teach you that all the love you’ve given to someone else does not compare to the love you can infinitely make and give. 

I won’t be watching you from the sidelines because I will always be there with you somehow, physically or otherwise.

I could add more to the list but let’s just take it one day at a time, shall we? 🙂

Someone once told me that you were going to change my life. And girl, you have! It has been an adventure watching you crawl all around the house; dancing with you as soon as the Tinga Tinga Tales theme song comes on and hiding items around the house because you just want to put everything in your mouth. You gave me a glimpse of the kind of parent I want to be…the kind of mother I hope to be.

Thank you for the cuddles and letting me kiss your chubby chubby cheeks (before waving me away anyway haha!) You probably won’t remember your first birthday, but that’s okay. We will have more birthdays to share. I hope you have an amazing day filled with laughter and love.

Happy birthday squishy face Lexi! I can’t wait to watch you grow every passing year.

Always,

K

P.S. It’s okay, we won’t tell your other auntie that I’m your favourite 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Sky high expectations

books.jpgI have a very distinct memory of my grade 10 Civic & Careers class taking a career test to figure out which profession would suit our personality, skill sets and interests. I recall getting assigned as a judge or a mediator of some sort. Back then I actually had no interest in pursuing a career in law. Though soon enough, when it was time for us to fill out our university applications in grade 12, I applied for an honours BA program specifically in criminal justice. Now, somewhere in between a friend and I had a casual conversation at lunch. While sitting on the floor with our friends I remember asking her, “What do you see me doing?” Without a sign of hesitation on her face she said, “a CEO.” That’s a tall order for a 16-17 year old!

See, I think I changed my mind about which career path I wanted to go into about 8-9 times. I’m including professions I told my parents I wanted to be in while I was a kid of course. As a kid, it was cute to play dress up and pretend to be a doctor, firefighter or a veterinarian. As a young adult, not so much (according to my parents anyway). When it comes down to it, there were a lot of professions that I can see myself in but only a couple that I know I could consistently do and loved doing.

I set very high expectations for myself at an early age. Yes, there were external factors like my parents, teachers and sometimes peers. Anything less was considered a failure or a disappointment; that’s a lot to put on a young person. And if I’m being completely honest with all of you and myself, I felt very anxious and often stressed because I needed to ‘perform’. I needed to do it by myself for myself.

But, here’s the thing, everyone needs help in some shape or form. Everyone needs a person or people not necessarily to do the work for us, but to help and support us. We’re not robots. We’re humans and we’re stronger together than alone. So for all of you feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, please know that I’m here if you need a friend 🙂

Keep exploring what makes your heart sing.

Always,

K

P.S. Couldn’t resist the Grey’s Anatomy reference! :p

 

 

Re: Because I want to

 

Capping off this tiresome week with a lingering thought. Yoga, kickboxing and Forro. These are the three activities that I have been doing (and will continue to do) the past week. Varying in intensities, I deliberately chose to practice and participate in these activities. Here’s why: because I want to.

I wish I can give you a better reason but really I don’t have one. I’ve always wanted to take kickboxing and have prolonged it over the years. The restorative aspect of practicing yoga is something that I absolutely need right now. Learning Forro helped me realize my forgotten love affair with dance and how much of a liberating experience it is. These are the parts of me that I have been missing lately.

Now, to do each of these activities I really need to put myself in different mindsets. For kickboxing, it’s essential for me to hone in controlled physical strength and endurance. Repeatedly practicing my jabs, push kicks and mid kicks isn’t a walk in the park. I can definitely tell you that my thighs were on fire two days after my lesson. For yoga, it’s essential for me to focus on my body and how it’s interacting with my inner self. Yes, it definitely pushes your physical strength and you do need to have a good stamina, but for me yoga was about getting in touch with my inner thoughts and letting my body slow down. Sometimes we get so caught up with what’s happening all around us that we forget to take a step back and listen to what’s happening within us. For Forro, surprisingly the more difficult out of the three, it’s essential for me to let myself lose control and embrace my femininity. Quite the challenge for someone like me!

Nonetheless, I think I found a really good thing here. Of course, I have a day job and work in between but I genuinely feel like doing all of these together is helping me become a much more well-rounded person. I will always have time for writing and blogging. It would be cruel for me to take away a medium that continuously saves my sanity!

My thoughts are incomplete, perhaps because I’m still navigating my way around it. But I do hope that you all explore your interests purely because you want to. Even if other people have opinions about it or you’re scared to take the plunge. I’ll be here, cheering you on every step of the way. 🙂

Always,

K

P.S. I swear I’ll be doing my usual lifestyle blog posts soon! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Revised Philosophy on Love & Relationships

Written more than two years ago, I came up with my own unorthodox philosophy about love and relationships. Thing is, it’s incomplete. You know what’s missing? People. Before I explain, have a read of what my previous philosophy looks like:

  1. I don’t “look”. I find that the more you look for it the harder it is to find. It will come at it’s own time, at some place and with a specific person. You won’t know how long it’ll last but it will have a beginning, middle and an ending. Being receptive to everyone you meet is key.
  2. I don’t have expectations. This really goes with any relationship/friendship with me. I believe in having choices and being able to make choices. Not because I can put the blame on the other person after but because I personally don’t like doing something that I don’t want to do so why should I impose the same to someone else? If I’m actually doing something, it’s because I actually want to do it and care for it. And if you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of whom you see, that’s good enough for me.
  3. People in our lives come and go. Every person we meet, we met for a reason regardless of how long we stay connected with him or her. If ever they leave, it may just mean that our roles in each other’s lives are completed. But I can also see how this can be problematic. Some clichés insinuate that you should fight for your love versus you should let your love go if you love the person enough. But hey, these are clichés right? Their validity lies on the extent of your belief of them.
  4. Trust is earned not given. Now, there’s a difference between that and giving the benefit of the doubt. You can give him/her the benefit of the doubt but the sincerity is in their actions. You gotta show me not just tell me.
  5. Mind games are for degenerating minds and infants. No beating around the bush. Straightforward honest-to-the-big-man-in-the-sky talk. Pretty self-explanatory.
  6. Love carelessly. I’ve already mentioned that you don’t know who’s coming or when, so why have judgement? You love whom you love. This has a dual purpose because for me it also means that loving someone entails taking a leap of faith. It may be impossible to love fearlessly so why not love courageously? Don’t waste chances you could have taken; speak words you could have said and actions you could have made. Breathe, it’s okay to look foolish that’s just a part of life. Learning from your foolishness is your choice.
  7. Love unconditionally. This somewhat goes with #2. Love is the ultimate gift; it expects nothing in return.

I still agree with some of these principles but frankly I wrote these principles while I was going through a breakup. If you read it carefully, I’m not taking responsibility for my actions or lack thereof. These principles reflect the kind of independence that I needed to regain after a breakup. That’s not to say you don’t have any independence in a relationship. No, I’m not saying that at all! The integral piece that it’s missing is that a *genuine relationship is a partnership.

I’m used to taking care of myself and taking care of others that it’s so difficult for me to ask people for help or to let someone else take care of me. A highly problematic trait in a relationship. Truth be told, I have been known to emasculate men because of my independence. Just at dance class the other day, I subconsciously was doing this to my partner! If you’re familiar with the dance Forro, the men are supposed to take the lead. They are supposed to guide women on the dance floor between each base and spin. During our lesson on spinning, I noticed my hand immediately going into position prior my partner making the move for me to do so. My foot was on the right place and I already finished my turn, but I forgot to pause. I didn’t wait for my partner to guide me that it was time for both of us to move forward into the routine. My timing was off because I was just thinking about myself and what I wanted to do next. In Forro, much like in relationships, you need to be in sync with your partner to move forward. You also need to let your guard down, but let’s save that for another reflection session. 😉

So here’s my short takeaway: love is a complete paradox. We try very hard to understand it yet, with every experience we have with love our ideas in turn shift and change. [Monogamous] Relationships are partnerships between two people taking each step together. Sometimes you need to adjust yourself in their rhythm, even if that means taking it one step at a time.

Always,

K

P.S. I’m only 24. I’m just getting the hang of this stuff. Have patience with me.