Written more than two years ago, I came up with my own unorthodox philosophy about love and relationships. Thing is, it’s incomplete. You know what’s missing? People. Before I explain, have a read of what my previous philosophy looks like:
- I don’t “look”. I find that the more you look for it the harder it is to find. It will come at it’s own time, at some place and with a specific person. You won’t know how long it’ll last but it will have a beginning, middle and an ending. Being receptive to everyone you meet is key.
- I don’t have expectations. This really goes with any relationship/friendship with me. I believe in having choices and being able to make choices. Not because I can put the blame on the other person after but because I personally don’t like doing something that I don’t want to do so why should I impose the same to someone else? If I’m actually doing something, it’s because I actually want to do it and care for it. And if you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of whom you see, that’s good enough for me.
- People in our lives come and go. Every person we meet, we met for a reason regardless of how long we stay connected with him or her. If ever they leave, it may just mean that our roles in each other’s lives are completed. But I can also see how this can be problematic. Some clichés insinuate that you should fight for your love versus you should let your love go if you love the person enough. But hey, these are clichés right? Their validity lies on the extent of your belief of them.
- Trust is earned not given. Now, there’s a difference between that and giving the benefit of the doubt. You can give him/her the benefit of the doubt but the sincerity is in their actions. You gotta show me not just tell me.
- Mind games are for degenerating minds and infants. No beating around the bush. Straightforward honest-to-the-big-man-in-the-sky talk. Pretty self-explanatory.
- Love carelessly. I’ve already mentioned that you don’t know who’s coming or when, so why have judgement? You love whom you love. This has a dual purpose because for me it also means that loving someone entails taking a leap of faith. It may be impossible to love fearlessly so why not love courageously? Don’t waste chances you could have taken; speak words you could have said and actions you could have made. Breathe, it’s okay to look foolish that’s just a part of life. Learning from your foolishness is your choice.
- Love unconditionally. This somewhat goes with #2. Love is the ultimate gift; it expects nothing in return.
I still agree with some of these principles but frankly I wrote these principles while I was going through a breakup. If you read it carefully, I’m not taking responsibility for my actions or lack thereof. These principles reflect the kind of independence that I needed to regain after a breakup. That’s not to say you don’t have any independence in a relationship. No, I’m not saying that at all! The integral piece that it’s missing is that a *genuine relationship is a partnership.
I’m used to taking care of myself and taking care of others that it’s so difficult for me to ask people for help or to let someone else take care of me. A highly problematic trait in a relationship. Truth be told, I have been known to emasculate men because of my independence. Just at dance class the other day, I subconsciously was doing this to my partner! If you’re familiar with the dance Forro, the men are supposed to take the lead. They are supposed to guide women on the dance floor between each base and spin. During our lesson on spinning, I noticed my hand immediately going into position prior my partner making the move for me to do so. My foot was on the right place and I already finished my turn, but I forgot to pause. I didn’t wait for my partner to guide me that it was time for both of us to move forward into the routine. My timing was off because I was just thinking about myself and what I wanted to do next. In Forro, much like in relationships, you need to be in sync with your partner to move forward. You also need to let your guard down, but let’s save that for another reflection session. 😉
So here’s my short takeaway: love is a complete paradox. We try very hard to understand it yet, with every experience we have with love our ideas in turn shift and change. [Monogamous] Relationships are partnerships between two people taking each step together. Sometimes you need to adjust yourself in their rhythm, even if that means taking it one step at a time.
P.S. I’m only 24. I’m just getting the hang of this stuff. Have patience with me.