This random thought dawned on me when I was brainstorming ideas for an essay. I looked over my right shoulder and noticed that on top of my books from last semester an almost empty box of Ferrero Rocher rested. My dear friend gave them to me on Valentine’s Day and you know what? There’s still ONE left! I specifically remembered thinking that I was going to save one just in case something bad happens and I needed a little boost. I thought that by now someone would have eaten it when I wasn’t around, but I’m pleasantly surprised to say that no one has…yet.

This got me thinking about how often I wait until I finish everything else on my plate with the exception of the very thing I wanted to eat in the first place. I always seemed to save what I wanted the most for last. Why is that? What am I waiting for? I kept these thoughts at the back of my mind and it would re-surface every now and then when I went out with some friends and family. Everyone’s eating habits varied. But how much did each of our eating habits transferred into our habits beyond eating?

This idea came to mind again while tucking away my last white chocolate and macadamia nut cookie during my study break for an exam with a friend. She blatantly asked me, “why do you do that? Why don’t you just eat it now?” We talked about this idea for a moment. It became evident to me during our conversation how relative our eating habits are to our personalities and behaviours about other things outside of food. I’m going to use myself as the subject for this inquiry simply because it’s much easier to scrutinize my behaviours considering I have some grasp of my justifications for them.

Let’s just start with eating that last piece of Ferrero Rocher or really eating the last piece of whatever it is I want the most at the time. Like what I said, I was saving this piece of delectable chocolate goodness for another day, if I’m being honest here, for a bad-a really bad- day. I find that this is closely related to how I shop for pretty much anything and with relationships. So let’s say I’m going to Walmart to buy a notebook or a pen and obviously there’s multiple choices varying in brands, styles, prices and colours. I stand there, looking at every single one of them before making my top 3 or so choices knowing that within my top three is the one I want and usually get. Granted most days I don’t usually go for what I regularly get because I seem to always want to try different things, but come on we’re talking about a notebook/pen here. Either way you’re going to need your hand to write with it or hold it. It doesn’t change why you want that thing to begin with. So, why the struggle? I know what I want, why not just get it? If you read a few sentences before this I think you’d know the answer. There’s two-choices and trying everything.

It seems like I am self-inclined to try everything else on my plate before eating what I want to eat because of these two reasons as well. I want to try everything because, well, I haven’t tried them before. Meanwhile, I eat whatever item last, despite of really wanting to it, because I already know what it taste like. I already know that it tastes really good. The same thing with choices, especially nowadays when we have so many. I know which choice, is the safe choice, the more reliable choice, but I don’t seem to want to take it. It’s kinda like taste testing every flavour in an ice cream shop before getting a brain freeze to tell you which flavour you liked the most. Sound familiar? Doesn’t this have some societal implications of consumerism pervading our individuality? Just something to think about.

While I’m at it, it seems that this mindset crept its way to how I behave in my relationships, in this context, romantic relationships. Reflecting on this, I feel kinda bad about some of them. Let’s just say, I’m not the easiest person to persuade that I can or want to commit to you. It takes time and effort. I know I mentioned this somewhere before? Probably in my other blog’s post. Anyway, point is, this whole idea of saving the last piece, the piece that I really wanted, for last somewhat reflects how I interact with my relationships in the same sense that I always seem to try to look for something more than what I already know I want. It’s kinda like always wanting to know if I can find something-someone-better. And in retrospect you can always find something or someone better, BUT just because something or someone is better, it doesn’t make them the right choice. I can’t tell you exactly what the ‘right’ choice is or how I would be able to make the ‘right’ choice when I need to. Sometimes it’s a feeling or intuition but I’m not going to pretend as though I know exactly how to tell because I truthfully don’t. More often, I just try to have faith that the choices I’m making are the right choices.

Needless to say, what I’m beginning to learn is to not cast what I want aside in pursuit of something better. It’s generating some continuous short-lived satisfactions when I am conscious that what I know would satisfy me is simple. Don’t get me wrong always striving for the best and recognizing that improvements need to take place is a good thing, but knowing when something is enough, I think, is even better. At the end of the day what we want doesn’t necessarily equate to what we need. And you know what, our needs are simple. Maybe next time, I will just finish that last piece of chocolate exactly when I want to.

Always,
K